Avoidant Attachment Therapy in Shoreview, Minnesota
Closeness can feel like pressure. Distance can feel like relief.
If you pull away when someone gets close, it's a pattern you learned, and patterns can change. Therapy helps you see it and choose how you respond.
DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR
You may recognize yourself, or your partner.
COMMON EXPERIENCES IN AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
- You value independence and feel uneasy when someone depends on you, or when you depend on them.
- After a close moment, you feel the urge to take space.
- In conflict, you go quiet, leave the room, or shut down.
- You are not sure what you feel, or you know and it is hard to say.
- Your partner says they feel shut out, and you feel pressured or criticized.
- You tend to end relationships when they start to feel serious.
WHAT AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT IS, AND WHAT IT IS NOT
An early strategy that made sense at the time.
In attachment research, avoidant attachment describes a pattern of staying self-reliant and keeping some emotional distance in close relationships. Researchers usually place it on a spectrum, alongside anxiety about closeness, rather than treating it as a category you either have or don't.
The pattern often forms when a child learns that showing need doesn't bring comfort, or that closeness comes with criticism, intrusion, or being left to cope alone. Relying on yourself was the sensible response. It protected you then. It can cost you now.
It is not a diagnosis, and it is not a character flaw. It is also different from avoidant personality disorder, which is a separate clinical condition marked by fear of rejection, and from simply being introverted or private.
Avoidant attachment is a pattern, not an identity. People move along the spectrum over time and across relationships.
HOW IT SHOWS UP IN RELATIONSHIPS
The pursue-and-withdraw cycle.
One person reaches, the other retreats
The more your partner asks for closeness, the more pressure you feel. The more you step back, the more alone they feel. Each response makes the other worse.
It looks different from the inside
From outside, it can look like indifference. From inside, it is often overwhelm, shame about needing, or fear of getting it wrong.
Neither of you is the problem
The pattern is the problem. When both people see the cycle, they can stop blaming each other and start changing it.
HOW I WORK WITH AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
Three ways, depending on what you need.
1
Individual therapy sessions
We build awareness of when and how you pull away, and what you feel just before. We practice staying present a little longer, and saying what you need in words.
2
EMDR therapy to address the roots
When specific early memories still drive the pattern, EMDR therapy can help your nervous system process them so they feel less current. This comes after we have built enough steadiness to do it safely.
3
Couples therapy sessions
Using the Gottman Method, Relational Life Therapy, and the Developmental Model, I help you both see the cycle, make requests that land, and handle conflict without one person disappearing.
FOR PARTNERS
If you are with someone who pulls away.
It is easy to read distance as rejection. For your partner, it’s a habit older than your relationship. That doesn't make it acceptable to be shut out repeatedly, and it doesn't mean you are asking for too much.
Couples therapy gives both of you a way to name what is happening without blame. If you are not ready to come together, individual sessions can help you steady yourself and decide what you need.
A GOOD FIT
When you want to understand the pattern and change how you respond.
You notice the pattern and want to work on it
You are in a relationship that matters to you and keeps hitting the same wall
You are single and keep ending things when they get close
Both partners are willing to look at their own part
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT THERAPY FAQ
What people ask about avoidant attachment.
Is avoidant attachment a diagnosis?
No. It describes a pattern in close relationships, not a mental health condition. It is also different from avoidant personality disorder, which is a clinical diagnosis. If I think something beyond attachment is going on, I'll tell you plainly.
Is this just being an introvert?
No. Introversion is about how you recharge. Avoidant attachment is about how comfortable you are depending on people and being depended on. An introvert can be securely attached, and an extrovert can be avoidant.
Can an avoidant pattern change?
Researchers describe attachment as influential but not fixed. New relationship experiences, including therapy, can shift it. A 2011 meta-analysis of 36 studies found that gains in attachment security during therapy may go along with better outcomes. Change tends to be gradual, and I can't tell you how much or how fast it will happen for you.
How do I know if I'm avoidant?
Researchers use questionnaires that score both anxiety and avoidance in close relationships. Online quizzes vary a lot in quality, and a score is a starting point, not a label. In session, I'm more interested in what you actually do when someone gets close and what you feel just before.
Will you push me to open up quickly?
No necessarily. Pressure usually makes the urge to pull away stronger. We go at a pace you can tolerate, and I'll be direct about what I notice. You decide what to share and when.
Is withdrawing always bad for a relationship?
Not always. Taking a break to calm down can help. What tends to cause harm is withdrawal with no return: silence that goes on and leaves your partner guessing.
Does my partner need to come too?
Not at first. Individual sessions work on your own patterns, and couples sessions work on the cycle between you and your partner. Work in couples therapy goes best when both partners are willing to look at their own part.
How many sessions will I need?
I don't set a number in advance. Sessions are $450 for 90 minutes, weekly or bi-weekly. Your first session gives us a clearer picture and a plan, and we adjust as we go.
Related: · Couples Therapy · EMDR Therapy
Begin with one 90-minute session.
Sessions are $450, in person in Shoreview or online in Minnesota, for individuals and couples. The first session is where we start: we'll talk through what's been happening, and I'll tell you plainly how I'd approach the work.