Holidays and relationships

Holidays are here. They can be joyful and happy, they can also be stressful, especially when it comes to family and relationships. Excited to see your aunt Doris, but not looking forward to seeing uncle Bob? Juggling dodging conversations you don’t want to have and enjoying your time with extended family can be trying.  

Here are some practical ways to enjoy your holidays with family and friends, while taking care of yourself: 

Plan ahead. Be aware of feelings (like frustration, disappointment, irritability, sadness, etc.) that may come up for you. What are some practical ways you can take care of yourself in the moment (if/when the moment arrives, you know your family best)?  How do you need to prepare yourself for the conversations you may have? How do you want to show-up in those conversations? Also, you can bow out of a conversation (see “set boundaries” below). Know what your intentions are for each visit.  

Keep an open mind. Set realistic expectations for how holiday gatherings may go. How do you want to engage with the different people present? Is it possible you can learn something new or unexpected (like, great grandma Mae was a burlesque dancer)? Keep an ear and eye out for the opportunities that are unavailable when you go with the expectation that things are going to go bad. What if they go well?

Be kind to yourself. Holidays don’t need to be perfect. You can't do everything - choose what will light you up, add value, or deepen your connection to others. When you must attend an event (i.e. you have no other option), focus on the positive and decide what you want to take away from the visit (see “keep an open mind” above). 

Set boundaries (for yourself). Don't engage in conversations you don't want to, politely move to another room, join a different conversation, create your own side conversation, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom (or get some air), or hang out with the kids.  

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to yourself and trust your gut when it tells you it’s time to leave. What will you say when people insist you should stay a little longer (but you don’t want to)? How can you recharge? With whom? Doing what? Allow yourself time to do nothing, to daydream, to be bored. 

Seek professional help when needed. If heavy feelings continue to stick around after the holidays, get professional support from a mental health professional.  

Holidays are what you make them. Focus on your intention for your holidays. You are in charge of your actions. You can start conversations or walk away. You can say “no.”